President Obama Will Hurt Me

I only went back home for 2.5 days for Spring Break. Every time someone calls me now and asks me if I want to hang out, I have to give the unfortunate reply, “Sorry, I’m already back in Berkeley,” inevitably followed by the angry or surprised response “What the fuck? WHY?” Here’s why: it’s all about efficiency. I always plan to see as many friends as possible in the shortest amount of time. I really have no other reason to be in town other than to see those who I am otherwise unable to see. The added benefit to this grand strategy is spending as little time at home as possible. Call me an asshole, but being stuck at home while taking one of my few precious breaks is not how I want to spend my time.

I also get to eat at all the places that I can’t go to because I have no car at school. I choose to spend my time eating terrible, terrible things for me, and somehow I block it all out of my head with some hand-waving and a simple “It’s okay, I only do this twice a year.”

After dining and wining at my cafeteria of choice, Fresh Choice (bad pun AND name-dropping = advertising $$$$ please!), I didn’t know what to do for the rest of the day, so I just hopped in my car and drove around until the winds of destiny brought my fat ass and my Asian Silver ‘93 Toyota Camry V6 XLE to the local googolplex. I rolled into the parking lot at around 3:00PM. Little did I know that I would end up staying until 11:30PM, my mind bursting full of Pokemon-esque flashing lights and mind-blowing speeches.

How was I able to stay so long, you ask? Because I do not fear the law. I can ravage the streets of Oakland in the dark of eve and whisk away the firstborn from every house, collect and bottle their tears, label said substance as precious, extremely rare morning dew collected from the highest canopies of Amazonian rainforests, and sell them at an extreme premium to stupid tourists, and the law wouldn’t be able to touch me with a 10-foot pole with an electric eel at the end. I’m that good. Like a FUCKING NINJA.

Just kidding; it’s because the folks at the theatre were too lazy to man their ticket collection stations. Nobody at the main entrance. Nobody at either side entrance to the auditoriums. Nothing.

I saw three movies in a row for the awesome price of $Free.99 (I hope it’s not taxable). I guess I’m not helping the economy any by keeping my money in my pockets, but hey, I ate at a restaurant and I bought gas in the damn San Francisco Bay Area. I think that’s plenty of compensation for the rest of the country, no? Of course it is.