Upon returning from the weekend in Manhattan Beach/TheFinerPartsofLA with Doc, Whale Juice, and Taradactyl, I discovered that, thanks to a gorgeous day in the sun by the beach and his pool, I got sunburned.
I thought I had myself pretty well covered in SPF 79208440, but Helios has an odd sense of humor.
My nipples are thoroughly burned. I now understand FULLY how Andy Bernard felt during the Fun Run.
The idea of going shirtless until my sunburn heals crossed my mind, but the little angel on my right shoulder suggested to me that I not do so out of public decency and to prevent mass hysteria from how fantastically nauseating my unclothed body is. The little demon on my left shoulder proceeded to kick the little angel's ass and told me to go for it, but then I took off my shirt. The devil said that I should put my shirt back on if I wanted to keep my Chief of Staff and his Undersecretaries.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
An Irresponsibly Early Assessment of Bowl Games
ESPN's Mark Schlabach has already released a preseason projection for bowl games in 2008.
Are you kidding me?
Never mind the fact that not even the preseason rankings have been released. On what basis is he making these ridiculous predictions? Based on LAST year's records and what MIGHT happen at over the ENTIRE UPCOMING SEASON? That's just really pointless journalism and, frankly, an absolute waste of time.
Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.
Schlabach in his best and brightest years.
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Thinking of ways to get more traffic to this blog. Suggestions?
Are you kidding me?
Never mind the fact that not even the preseason rankings have been released. On what basis is he making these ridiculous predictions? Based on LAST year's records and what MIGHT happen at over the ENTIRE UPCOMING SEASON? That's just really pointless journalism and, frankly, an absolute waste of time.
Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.
Schlabach in his best and brightest years.
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Thinking of ways to get more traffic to this blog. Suggestions?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I feel like Indiana Jones
I slept at the lab last night because it was just too damn hot in my bedroom, caused by the fact that it's on the top floor of the building, so over the course of the day, the temperature rises like a bitch in heat but never really dies down enough as the day gets cooler. So it was about 90F in my bedroom at 11pm.
Before you read the next sentence, close your mental eyes. Think of something nice, like the ocean, or a carnival, or laughing babies surrounded by bunnies, flowers, and cotton candy. Got it?
Even laying in bed wearing nothing but my underwear, I was sweating my ass off, and my bed was literally soaked halfway through with my high-sodium, high-sugar perspiration. Even my underwear was soaked through with sweat. I just couldn't sleep. So, at 4am, I got up, changed, and walked to the lab to sleep under my desk. George Costanza has taught me well.
Today, my roommate and I were discussing whether or not our air conditioning unit even works. We took a look at it and flicked that little plastic switch from "Off" to "Fan." We heard a machine whir and air move through some pipes.
I prepared myself for some sort of booby trap to spring up and swallow the two of us whole or if random Mayan warriors from 4,000 years ago would pop out and shoot poison darts at us. A discovery like this was simply too good to be true. Much to my idiot-schoolboy glee, nothing bad happened, and we live to see another day to enjoy the air conditioning. Good timing too; I was getting ready to move into the lab.
Before you read the next sentence, close your mental eyes. Think of something nice, like the ocean, or a carnival, or laughing babies surrounded by bunnies, flowers, and cotton candy. Got it?
Even laying in bed wearing nothing but my underwear, I was sweating my ass off, and my bed was literally soaked halfway through with my high-sodium, high-sugar perspiration. Even my underwear was soaked through with sweat. I just couldn't sleep. So, at 4am, I got up, changed, and walked to the lab to sleep under my desk. George Costanza has taught me well.
Today, my roommate and I were discussing whether or not our air conditioning unit even works. We took a look at it and flicked that little plastic switch from "Off" to "Fan." We heard a machine whir and air move through some pipes.
I prepared myself for some sort of booby trap to spring up and swallow the two of us whole or if random Mayan warriors from 4,000 years ago would pop out and shoot poison darts at us. A discovery like this was simply too good to be true. Much to my idiot-schoolboy glee, nothing bad happened, and we live to see another day to enjoy the air conditioning. Good timing too; I was getting ready to move into the lab.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Beast Mode: WHY?
Marshawn "BEAST MODE" Lynch is going to plead guilty to the hit-and-run accusation from a couple weeks ago.
You damn right, you better plead guilty, because it's two years later and Patrick Chung is STILL feeling it. That's called the Boomstick, son.
In all seriousness, though, what the hell, man? Come on. You're the shining golden Mama's Boy who hails from the crown jewel of The Bay, The University which produced upstanding Americans, the likes of Deltha O'Neal and Joe Ayoob and Chuck Muncie and...hmm. Wait a second...
You damn right, you better plead guilty, because it's two years later and Patrick Chung is STILL feeling it. That's called the Boomstick, son.
In all seriousness, though, what the hell, man? Come on. You're the shining golden Mama's Boy who hails from the crown jewel of The Bay, The University which produced upstanding Americans, the likes of Deltha O'Neal and Joe Ayoob and Chuck Muncie and...hmm. Wait a second...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Valuation: better than you.
So really, the only thing keeping The University (capital T, motherfuckers) from building the SAHPC is figuring out the value or worth of California Memorial Stadium? How much could some stairs, a beam, and some other cosmetic crap cost? Surely not more than a million.
How about PRICELESS? ("Priceless like a mother's love...or the good kind of priceless?" = 5 bonus points)
This stadium was built to honor those from the university who served and sacrificed during World War I. The place is listed on the National Register of Historic Places, for cryin' out loud. Sure, it's old, dirty, kind of greasy, and is long overdue for a thorough tune-up (not unlike our good friend Britney Spears), but its significance for the Bay Area, both symbolically and financially, is too much for any true, singular amount of money to be applied to the structure. Placing a monetary value on the stadium would be an insult to the names, honor, and integrity of those incredible souls who served and fell in the war.
But an argument like that probably won't win in the court of law. If we look at it from an investment point of view, then, the lawyers for The University may be able to argue that, due to revenue gained from football games and INCREASE on that revenue made possible by having brand-new facilities, the stadium is worth hundreds of billions of dollars.
There are many other ways of arguing it, but believe me when I say that the lawyers for the Dark Side will try to cheapen the value as much as possible, trying to make a convincing case that, due to the degradation of the stadium over time, the building is pretty much worthless.
Shame on you.
How about PRICELESS? ("Priceless like a mother's love...or the good kind of priceless?" = 5 bonus points)
This stadium was built to honor those from the university who served and sacrificed during World War I. The place is listed on the National Register of Historic Places, for cryin' out loud. Sure, it's old, dirty, kind of greasy, and is long overdue for a thorough tune-up (not unlike our good friend Britney Spears), but its significance for the Bay Area, both symbolically and financially, is too much for any true, singular amount of money to be applied to the structure. Placing a monetary value on the stadium would be an insult to the names, honor, and integrity of those incredible souls who served and fell in the war.
But an argument like that probably won't win in the court of law. If we look at it from an investment point of view, then, the lawyers for The University may be able to argue that, due to revenue gained from football games and INCREASE on that revenue made possible by having brand-new facilities, the stadium is worth hundreds of billions of dollars.
There are many other ways of arguing it, but believe me when I say that the lawyers for the Dark Side will try to cheapen the value as much as possible, trying to make a convincing case that, due to the degradation of the stadium over time, the building is pretty much worthless.
Shame on you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Forgive me
There are few errors in life that I have truly, honestly regretted. Most of those mistakes involved social or relationship issues, and a couple of them were academic. But today I made a choice that surfaced and solidified because I was not thinking clearly. I did not think my actions through, and as a result, one part of my life has turned for the worse. And for that, my friends, I am truly sorry.
Today, I chose - CHOSE - to eat at Burger King instead of In-N-Out, sitting a mere two blocks away. The sheer hunger of a day of work blinded me and The King - oh, The King with his devious smile and his soulless, plastic eyes - pulled me away from staying my true path.
I am a traitor to my name and to the majestic country of California, glory be to Her name.
Today, I chose - CHOSE - to eat at Burger King instead of In-N-Out, sitting a mere two blocks away. The sheer hunger of a day of work blinded me and The King - oh, The King with his devious smile and his soulless, plastic eyes - pulled me away from staying my true path.
I am a traitor to my name and to the majestic country of California, glory be to Her name.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
June the Ninth of Two Thousand Eight The Year of Our Lord
By the graces of Tint and KNak (NO idea they went to the same high school until today), the two of them drove up from Irvine to take me out to dinner and to drink the night away.
So CPK it was. I whipped out my license ready to order a drink...except the waiter looked unimpressed and even confused, as it took him a while to figure out that, yes, I was of legal age to purchase alcohol. (The waiter had one of those Tim Taylor/chimpanzee looks of confusion while looking at my license). After perusing CPK's rather limited drink selection list, I settled on a Sam Adams lager. Happy with my decision, I prepare myself to enjoy the first drink that I myself have purchased...only to see our waiter return thirty seconds later to inform me that they were out of the Sam Adams lager. Frustrated, I flipped open the list again. Unable to find anything truly satisfactory, I settled for a Bud.
I went from a Sam Adams lager to a Bud. Beyonce would not be happy (hint: Comcast commercial).
From there we shared a Long Island Ice Tea and then, unable to stand up to my standards of manliness, I ordered a Peach Breeze. I ordered the girliest drink on the menu and I POUNDED THAT SHIT DOWN.
The rest of the evening was spent with a handle of Malibu and playing Rock Band at some random guy's dorm room. That, and making incredibly immature, stupid prank calls to Greg, one of which involved a Jeopardy and the other a series of voice mails that, when pieced together, depicted...exactly what our Jeopardy said.
Malibu is not that good for straight shooting all night long.
---
UCLA's bluebooks are intense. On the cover of every one of them is stated the following:
"I understand that academic integrity is highly valued at UCLA. Further, I understand that academic dishonesty, such as cheating and plagiarism, are violations of University policy and will be pursued by the appropriate campus administrator. Finally, my signature below signifies that the work included is my own, and that I completed this assignment honestly.
Signature:_________
Sanctions for academic dishonesty include suspension or dismissal from the University. There are alternatives to academic dishonesty. Please see your TA, professor, tutor, the Ombuds, or the Dean of Students to discuss other choices."
Really, though? Really? Is that really necessary? This is a world-class research institution with one of the best medical schools in the entire world. And, according to the CollegeHumor Cheating Survey, 41.5% of students at schools WITHOUT an honor code cheat. So save yourself some of the ink and intimidation, treat your students like adults, stop insulting their intelligence, and assume that they won't cheat. If you do catch them cheating, the solution is simple: DOMINATE them. Dominate them in every thinkable orifice.
So CPK it was. I whipped out my license ready to order a drink...except the waiter looked unimpressed and even confused, as it took him a while to figure out that, yes, I was of legal age to purchase alcohol. (The waiter had one of those Tim Taylor/chimpanzee looks of confusion while looking at my license). After perusing CPK's rather limited drink selection list, I settled on a Sam Adams lager. Happy with my decision, I prepare myself to enjoy the first drink that I myself have purchased...only to see our waiter return thirty seconds later to inform me that they were out of the Sam Adams lager. Frustrated, I flipped open the list again. Unable to find anything truly satisfactory, I settled for a Bud.
I went from a Sam Adams lager to a Bud. Beyonce would not be happy (hint: Comcast commercial).
From there we shared a Long Island Ice Tea and then, unable to stand up to my standards of manliness, I ordered a Peach Breeze. I ordered the girliest drink on the menu and I POUNDED THAT SHIT DOWN.
The rest of the evening was spent with a handle of Malibu and playing Rock Band at some random guy's dorm room. That, and making incredibly immature, stupid prank calls to Greg, one of which involved a Jeopardy and the other a series of voice mails that, when pieced together, depicted...exactly what our Jeopardy said.
Malibu is not that good for straight shooting all night long.
---
UCLA's bluebooks are intense. On the cover of every one of them is stated the following:
"I understand that academic integrity is highly valued at UCLA. Further, I understand that academic dishonesty, such as cheating and plagiarism, are violations of University policy and will be pursued by the appropriate campus administrator. Finally, my signature below signifies that the work included is my own, and that I completed this assignment honestly.
Signature:_________
Sanctions for academic dishonesty include suspension or dismissal from the University. There are alternatives to academic dishonesty. Please see your TA, professor, tutor, the Ombuds, or the Dean of Students to discuss other choices."
Really, though? Really? Is that really necessary? This is a world-class research institution with one of the best medical schools in the entire world. And, according to the CollegeHumor Cheating Survey, 41.5% of students at schools WITHOUT an honor code cheat. So save yourself some of the ink and intimidation, treat your students like adults, stop insulting their intelligence, and assume that they won't cheat. If you do catch them cheating, the solution is simple: DOMINATE them. Dominate them in every thinkable orifice.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Woohoo.
Wonga invited me to join UCLA's traditional Undie Run on midnight of Wednesday. I brought up the fact that I have a rather unattractive , flabby, pasty-white body (really, if you've seen my farmer's tan before, you know what I'm talking about).
Baby, I worked hard for this. Now I don't even have to wear a shirt and people won't care.
His reply of "dude, Undie Run doesn't discriminate" was met with my sincere belief of "but LA does." Hopefully that convinced him; plus, I'm more convinced that Berkeley's brand of finals naked celebrations is superior in that 1) the people are completely stark naked and 2) we actually go into the library as opposed to running TO the library and then stopping outside. What the hell is that point of that? Be proud to flaunt your naked, made-in-the-image-of-God, pasty, Berkeleyan, needs-more-sunlight body. After all, most of the people around you won't be much better looking anyways.
---
I just experienced my first primal scream. Right at the stroke of midnight (about 2 minutes ago), many of the students on my street opened their windows and screamed in symbolic catharsis of the "pent-up anger and stress" due to finals week.
It also just happened that I turned 21 right at that moment. Hooray?
Baby, I worked hard for this. Now I don't even have to wear a shirt and people won't care.
His reply of "dude, Undie Run doesn't discriminate" was met with my sincere belief of "but LA does." Hopefully that convinced him; plus, I'm more convinced that Berkeley's brand of finals naked celebrations is superior in that 1) the people are completely stark naked and 2) we actually go into the library as opposed to running TO the library and then stopping outside. What the hell is that point of that? Be proud to flaunt your naked, made-in-the-image-of-God, pasty, Berkeleyan, needs-more-sunlight body. After all, most of the people around you won't be much better looking anyways.
---
I just experienced my first primal scream. Right at the stroke of midnight (about 2 minutes ago), many of the students on my street opened their windows and screamed in symbolic catharsis of the "pent-up anger and stress" due to finals week.
It also just happened that I turned 21 right at that moment. Hooray?
Sunday, June 8, 2008
My passion for the delicate art of horking down food
"Operating under the unique service concept of espeto corrido, which translates from Portuguese as "continuous service," Fogo de Chão satisfies palates and the desire for something original. Instead of ordering from a traditional menu, Fogo de Chão offers a prix-fixe system where guests can sample the entire menu, or just focus on their favorite items.
The lunch and dinner menu features unlimited servings of 15 different delectable cuts of fire-roasted meats, a sumptuous buffet of gourmet salads and fresh-cut vegetables, and a variety of Brazilian side dishes."
This is what the legendary restaurant Fogo de Chao in Beverly Hills promised us. And baby, did it ever deliver. 5/5 stars without a doubt. Too bad I can't give it 6/5 stars (but Jack Bauer can). It's all-you-can-eat of some of the most delicious cuts of meat this side of the Atlantic. The service is unbeatable. And a college student definitely did not belong there. But dammit, we went and we ate that shit.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
I just can't win
Looks like my prediction of the Obama-Edwards 2008 ticket is not going to happen. What do you say, Stephen, let a brother keep $10 for laundry? Come on, the machines here don't even take quarters.
Son of a bitch, I need to stop making wagers that I can't win. Like this poor guy.
Son of a bitch, I need to stop making wagers that I can't win. Like this poor guy.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Story of my life
I have an infection on my right upper eyelid. I guess I cut it somehow.
---
Our building, the BSRB/OHRC, has this annoying fire alarm that, for God knows what reason, sets off every once in a while. Normally everybody just ignores it and continues with their work, even though the Voice of God that accompanies the blinding light that blips every 5 seconds asks that everybody proceed to the nearest exit.
Then two days ago, we noticed that the higher-ups put up notices all around the building, telling us that it is unacceptable to ignore the alarm and that a $500 fine would be sentenced upon anyone caught remaining in the building while the alarm was active.
Today is the third time this week that the alarm has gone off for seemingly no reason. I think they're just trying to fuck with us. That, or somebody at the controls has a wager with someone else that someone in the building will eventually give up going outside if the alarm goes off enough.
---
Our building, the BSRB/OHRC, has this annoying fire alarm that, for God knows what reason, sets off every once in a while. Normally everybody just ignores it and continues with their work, even though the Voice of God that accompanies the blinding light that blips every 5 seconds asks that everybody proceed to the nearest exit.
Then two days ago, we noticed that the higher-ups put up notices all around the building, telling us that it is unacceptable to ignore the alarm and that a $500 fine would be sentenced upon anyone caught remaining in the building while the alarm was active.
Today is the third time this week that the alarm has gone off for seemingly no reason. I think they're just trying to fuck with us. That, or somebody at the controls has a wager with someone else that someone in the building will eventually give up going outside if the alarm goes off enough.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Berkeley goggles
I've been here for about a week and a half, land of consistent sunshine, tan ocean-scented bodies and blazing hot near-supermodels.
I guess I didn't realize that I've had the Berkeley goggles on for so long until now, when I was talking to Jason about it. I swear, I'm the fattest person under 25 in all of Westwood.
I guess I didn't realize that I've had the Berkeley goggles on for so long until now, when I was talking to Jason about it. I swear, I'm the fattest person under 25 in all of Westwood.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The law ain't gon' fuck wit Beast Mode
Rob da jewelry store and tell 'em to make me a grill
Our favorite grill-wearing (yes, that is really him and that is really his mouth), Applebee's-eating, Patrick Chung-pwning running back for the Buffalo Bills, Marshawn "BEAST MODE/MOMMA'S BOY" Lynch has, unfortunately, gotten into a possible tussle with the law.
Move bitch, get out da way
The Buffalo PD is currently investigating a hit-and-run involving a car registered to Beast Mode. This news is incredibly unfortunate, as for those of us who have followed Lynch's career from the start of his college years, we know that he's an incredibly fun-loving but respectable and decent American citizen. An allegation such as this to be linked to a great guy like him could prove disastrous. However, the PD says "it's still unclear if Lynch was driving the car or whether he was even in the vehicle at the time of Saturday's 3:30 a.m. accident."
But we all know why he wasn't in the car. That man works hard to rep Tha Bay, even sacrificing sleep or party time (3:30 AM, damn) to make sure that all those WASP, East Coast, upstate New York-type folks know where he's from and how Tha Bay does it. So Marshawn wins on a technicality - dancing along next to a slowly rolling vehicle technically means that he was not in the car or in direct operation of it. BEAST MODE wins again!
When you get a new car and you feelin like a star
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