What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

My fortune from a fortune cookie from two nights ago reads "If you tempt a squirrel with a nut, be prepared to be bitten."

I didn't even have to add "in bed" at the end to make it funny.

"Why are we regarded as cattle and considered stupid in your sight?" Job 18:3
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After some drunken (like, stupid drunken) end-of-the-semester revelry with the phonez, we attended Rock the Clock, the Octet and Overtones joint concert at the Campanile at midnight. Too many people were talking and shouting stupid shit (including us and D. Wade yelling "FREEBIRD" and "NO STAIRWAY" over and over) to hear the groups well. Five stupid jackasses climbed on top of the awning (of the famed backwards "Fiat Lux") over the Campanile entrance. Yeah, I don't know why I wrote that. I have forty lectures from my Globalization class that I need to go over. It's 2:15 AM.

In a discussion about Lizz "Phil of the Future" Campos' lovechild with Bryce "I'm Coming Out of the Closet March 2010, Save the Date and Come To My Coming Out Party Because It's Going To Be Incredibly FABULOUTHS" Townsend:
Tyler: "ABORT THAT FUCKING FETUS"
Becky: "IT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING ABORT, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE FUCKING RETARDED"
(In regards to using massive amounts of bottom-shelf vodka, such as the plastic handle of Vitali sitting in our dining room, as a miscarriage-inducing agent)

Poor tuckered out Renata is in bed, BUT CRENATA COCO IS READY TO FUCKING PARTY:
She will wisk your babies from home and hearth in the middle of the night and eat them, and if you don't pay her for her very charitable service of taking those little pooping bastards off your hands, she will fucking stab you in the face.

Wait, that's Renata.

I'm calling it now: Obama-Edwards '08. $10 to Stephen if I'm wrong.