"You get that Blue Shell away from me, asshole!"

We all know about Berkeley's strong history of open political dissent and public protests (and counter-protests) of issues ranging from budget cuts to property rights of sewer rats. What you may be less familiar with is how much the City of Berkeley hates cars and the people who drive them. The sheer number of inexplicable one-way streets and phantom alleys is enough to extend a simple five-minute drive across town into an epic three-part journey involving answering the Sphinx's questions and throwing a ring into the heart of an active volcano.

My drive to work every day involves going south on Shattuck Ave. in order to reach the on-ramp to 24 East. Back in February, when I first started making this drive, I counted nine potholes, five of them big enough to rock the vehicle if hit. I was hoping that the City of Berkeley would fix this issue.

As of yesterday, I counted thirty-two potholes, eighteen of them big enough to disturb the drive if hit. Instead of actually spending taxpayer resources to fix the issue, the City has simply circled them with spray paint.

As I dodged, ducked, dipped, dove, and dodged the numerous hubcap-ruining potholes on the street, I couldn't help but think, "I feel like I'm playing Mario Kart, except I don't have a Blue Shell to screw over $R$ right before he crosses the finish line." Thank heavens I'm not bringing my car to D.C. - it needs a nice home down in Palo Alto, where the city council is civilized enough to keep the roads paved.

TED GINN DOES EVERYTHING