THIS ENTIRE POST IS DEATH BY IRONY (if you think about it)

A phone conversation with my mother: an excerpt. (You can purchase the entire set for 4 - 4! - easy payments of $19.99, cash or check only.)

Keep in mind that this (and ANY written conversation with my mother) is in Mandarin. I'm just poorly translating it back.

M: "So your sister told me that you're friends with her and with your cousin on Faceplace."
G: "Facebook."
M: "Okay. Facebook."
G: "Yeah? What else did she say?"
M: "She says she's been reading your diary."
G: "...I don't have a diary. And if she can read it just like that, then it's not a very good diary, is it?"
M: "YES YOU DO. She says you write funny things in it once a week or so."
G: "Ooooh...my blog."
M: "What's a blog-uh?"

Conversation moves on to something else, probably something banal and pointless - I don't even remember what she said. Then somehow it all came back to my blog:

M: "Your sister says that you write a lot of bad things about USC."
G: "Yeah."
M: "Why don't you like them?"
G: "They're cocky, arrogant, rich, self-righteous, silver-spoons-in-asses bitches."
M: "But their ranking in that U.S. News thing is so high."
G: "It's inflated with all those gold coins they so seem to enjoy for breakfast."
M: "They have a good music program."
G: "True."
M: "They have a really good business school."
G: "Also true."
M: "They have a great film school. Look at the kinds of students they have - Steven Spielberg and his fat friend that you kids like so much."
G: "Steven Spielberg is a genius of the cinema. George Lucas is an embarrassment to the film directing community."
M: "But don't you love those Star Wars movies?"
G: "Only the ones he didn't direct."
M: "Fine, I don't like that stuff anyway."
G: "Is this going somewhere?"
M: "And USC has a really great med school."
G: "Probably true, though I question the usage of 'really great.' Let's go with 'somewhat above average' medical school."
M: "THEY HAVE A REALLY GOOD MEDICAL SCHOOL."
G: "Fine."
M: "You're not getting my point. THEY HAVE A MEDICAL SCHOOL. IN CALIFORNIA."
G: "You're right, I'm really not getting your point. What IS your point?"
M: "So stop writing bad things about USC! What if you have to go to school there someday?"

At this point, the thought of possibly HAVING TO attend USC hurt my brain so much that I had to temporarily put the phone down, count to 10, and do my breathing exercises so that I wouldn't poke a hundred little holes in my wrists with the tip of my mechanical pencil. Meanwhile, my mother once again proved her incompetence with modern technology: "HERRO? HEEERRRRO? Wo xiang ta yo gua duan le, wang ba dan...HERRO? ARE YOU THERE? Maybe the phone is broken." A series of thumping noises then came across the speaker; I can only imagine that she was banging the phone against the desk so that the little men inside the phone who operate it would wake up and get back to work.

I recuperated and picked up the phone again, just so that she wouldn't break the phone.

G: "It's not going to be a problem. Don't worry about it. Trust me; I'm smart about these kinds of things."
M: "I still don't understand why you think all these terrible things about USC's students. Your sister said that she's seen you write some pretty disgusting things."
G: "Have you MET them? Because I have."
M: "I know you're really good friends with [name redacted], and SHE goes to USC, and she's the exact OPPOSITE of how you describe their students."
G: "Okay, two points. One: I have ONE friend there. Two: She's different. She hasn't bought into their culture."
M: "Whatever you say. Oh, and your sister also told me that you write about ME in your diary thing a lot."
G: "Oh...um...yeah. Do you not want me to? I can stop if you want."
M: "I would prefer it, but I guess it's okay if you don't write anything terrible about me. I haven't read any of it."
G: "Oh. In that case, your request is denied."
M: "WHAT?"
G: "THE ANSWER IS NO."
M: "I'd better not be seeing this phone conversation on your damn diary."