The Super Bowl XLIII Liveblog, brought to you by Tyson Dino Nuggets

For the first time ever, I'm recording, moment by moment, one of my two annual religious holidays (the other being Big Game).

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Some indeterminate time: GUnit knocks on my door. "JOURNEY IS PLAYING!" I scrambled out of bed, barely conscious, to catch Arnel Pineda rock out to the greatest song in the history of the universe, "Don't Stop Believing." (And yes, the official title of the song has a 'g' at the end.)

1328: Matt Lauer and President Obama sure are good ol' chums.

1329: OH SHIT THE FEED WENT OUT WE CAN'T HEAR OUR PRESIDENT TALK Must be the terrorists PAAAANIC

1400: Tint and KNak show up. Immediately a game of BANG! begins during the pregame show.

1425: They're talking about Larry Fitzgerald's mom passing? All respect to him and his family, but why are they showing something so depressing?

1452: Faith Hill sings "America the Beautiful"...um...beautifully. But it took me by surprise for a little bit when she sang the words "for spacious skies."

Gordo: "It's 'spacious?' I always thought the word was 'gracious.'"

GU: "GET BACK ON THE BOAT"

KNak: "If Jack Bauer had heard you he would've raped you in the ass with that lamp."

1523: Oh shit, an awesome trailer for some new movie just came on. What is this? There's soldiers and ninjas flying around and stuff. Looks like it could either be really awesome or really lame.

1523.15: From the director of "The Mummy?" Aw fuck, it's gonna be terrible.

1524: OOOH SHIT IT'S G.I. JOE THE MOVIE UUUUMG

1526:

Gordo: "Damn, Jennifer Hudson is hella good."

SRS: "That's why she's singing in the Super Bowl and not one of those crappy games before the Super Bowl where they get no-name singers to butcher the national anthem."

1530: Honorary captains. Hella old

"From Super Bowl XXXIII, from the Denver Broncos, John Elw-"

KNak: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

1531: Hines Ward's face appears on TV for about ten seconds, looking emotional, proud, and patriotic.

1533: Why would you not just throw to Hines Ward all day? It would be 24-0 by the half.

1534: Nevermind, throw Willie Parker in there two. Just make it a 6-play offensive playbook. The options are Parker middle, Parker left, Parker right, Ward left, Ward middle, Ward right. You don't need anything else.

1537: Oh shit, the Steelers are at the half-yard line already?

1538: TD, Ben Roethtslisalshtslithsberger. What a monster.

1539: GREAT Bud Light commercial. Pop factor of dumb bitch flying out windows always wins.

1540: Trailer for Angels and Demons.

My Kevin Bacon number is 2, because I saw Tom Hanks filming for Angels and Demons at UCLA this summer, and Tom Hanks was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon. I win.

1542: Dino Nuggets are done! Also, TD retracted. Just QB sneak with Roesthishtsthistihsberger and it's a TD.

1543: WHY ARE YOU KICKING THE FIELD GOAL?! JUST GET THE SIX! THE ZONA D CAN'T STOP BIG BEN!

1544: Kick is good, Steelers up 3-0 with 9:45 left in the 1st.\

1545: Crystal ball Doritos commercial taught me something today: carry a snow globe around at all times so that I can break into any vending machine, except those machines at ghetto-ass high schools with all the steel bars over the glass.

1547: Arizona offense introduction. AW WHERE'S J.J.? Oh wait, he's not starting.

1549: Almost fumbled. Good job, Edge.

SRS: "It's because he doesn't have long enough hair. The hair is the source of all their powers."

Gordo: "Like Polamalu and Fitzgerald?"

SRS: "Yep. That's why they're so good."

Gordo: "So what about Hines Ward?"

SRS: "It's because he's Korean. DUH, fucktard."

1550: "By the way, 'swaggit' is not an institution of higher learning." So white.

1555: Touchdown. Touchdown. Touchdown. TouchdoooooOOOONOOOOO FUCK DOMINIQUE!

1557: Sack. Sack. Sack. SackooooooOOOOOSHIT BIG BEN IS INSANE! Complete to Miller!

1558: KNak: "This [Arizona] defense is so epic fail right now."

1600: Man. I gotta drop the kids off at the pool. But this game is so good...screw it. BRB.

1606: Back, just in time to catch another ad.

Oh man, I gotta eat Doritos all the time now! Making hot women naked, making it rain cash, turning white cops into monkeys...OH NO THA BUS

1607: GoDaddy.com AGAIN? Oh shit, this commercial looks hot. Let's go to GoDaddy.com to watch the rest of the ad.

1608: That ad was FUCKING RETARDED. Also, Steelers TD again. Steelers up 10-0 only a minute into the 2nd.

1609: Pepsi Max. Made for a woman, strong enough for a man.

1610: Budweiser's not American anymore. That's why the commercial is so bad.

1611: J.J.! Aw, crap return.

1612: This Bud commercial is racist. What, a white horse can't love a brown horse? Why does the white man always have to wreck true love?

1613: UUUGH JIIIIIIIIIZZZZ STAR TREK TRAILER JIIIIIZZZZZZ

(Tint missed it entirely. He's still playing with that damn Rubik's Cube.)

1615: FUCK Matt Leinart. Get his mug off the TV screen.

1616:

GU: "That Super Bowl XLIII logo flashes yellow at the end of every play, and I just keep thinking, 'Oh shit, flag AGAIN?' But no, just teasing."

Gordo: "Yeah, damn NBC."

1618: Whoa, Troy just straight up MISSED. How does that happen?

1620: 45 yard pass to Boldin with a side of bitch-flipping.

1621: Yes, Warner tripped whooaAA WHAT?! TD?! 10-7 Steelers, 8:34 2nd.

1626:

Gordo: "Damn, I weigh more than he does and what am I doing with my life?"

GU: "You should be playing football. What the fuck are you doing here?"
Gordo: "I can't, I'm 5'9" and Asian!"

SRS: "Dude, Hines Ward is Asian and he's the best player on the field!"

Gordo: "Are you kdding me? Did you forget he's also half black?"

1631: Breaston trying to pull a DeSean. Not gonna work - the Steelers D is just too fast.

1632: KNak: "I loved when Marshawn Lynch wore the dark visor. It looked like Darth Vader running around on the field, destroying."

1635:

Tint: "Did Hyundai really win the NA Car of the Year?"

Gordo: "Yep."

Tint: "UGGGHGUHGGH (while clenching chest)"

SRS: "YEEEEEEAAAA (Tiger fist pumps)"

All: "HYUNDAI?! HYUUUUNDAI?!?!?!"

1636: Dick LeBeau is 71?!?!

1637: The Edge FAIL. Dropping a perfect pass like that with nobody within 5 yards of you? Can't do that in the big game, man.

1643: Nevermind, the basketball pick totally made up for it.

1650: ...Why on earth did Polamalu jump up like that? He's just crazy. Polamalu's kinda sucking today.

1651: PICK AT THE LINE! Hooooly god, plus a 100-yd INT return, JUST as the clock expires. That's definitely going on SportsCenter later on. Bee tee dubs, KURT WARNER CHOKE = 17-7 Steelers, end of 1st half.

1700: What the fuck is up with all of these ads being in 3-D? And why didn't we pick up our 3-D glasses at Safeway yesterday when there was a whole box just chilling there?!

1701: Halftime show...or BANG!? I guess we're going with BANG!

1731: Damn, Bruce Springsteen has stage presence. I knew I listen to his music for a reason. Also, LA BAMBA AND MAX WEINBERG!

1735: They're ruling the almost-KW-sack a FUMBLE when it's clearly a forward pass. In the SUPER BOWL. Unacceptable.

1738: Yet another KNak Legends moment:

"OOOOOARHGAHG FREE GRAND SLAM TUESDAY 6-7AM WUWOHHOOOOOH" while jumping up and down like a half-tard manchild.

1742: Oh shit, new movie with The "Dwayne Johnson" Rock (we all know that's his real name;" Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson" is bullcrap). Plus Sormtroopers!

...

It's called "Witch Mountain?" Damn it, Disney, really?

1744: YEA HINES WARD. What a catch! GG.

1749:

KNak: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Tint: "Uh oh, Naki's getting passionate."

1751: Willie Parker hits a huge hole for a good 15-yard run. Next play is GG.

1752: Damn it, Parker for no gain. Hurry up and GG so I stop watching and play BANG!

Big Ben almost sacked, threw it away. I think we jinxed it.

1753: Roughing the holder in the field goal attempt. ADRIAN WILSON FAIL

1755: I LOVE these basketball deflections. That could've been a ridiculous pick-6 for Rolle. I also love that we've been saying "GG" on every play for the past 7 plays.

1758: Darn, I just saw Shia LeButtfuck on the screen. So...another Transformers movie? Yep, another Transformers movie. MEGAN FOX!

1759:

 

Damn, CareerBuilder.com made a good ad. Who knew.

1800: J.J. kickoff return FAIL.

1801: Trippy Coca-Cola ad just played.

SRS: "I need to have some Coke now."

All: "Dude, they just cog'd you."

1806: "And now I'm in the Super Bowl" = USAMA YOUNG FAIL.

1807: The Comcast ad is possibly the best ad of this year's Super Bowl.

1808: OH MY GOD, JACK! NO! www.HangInThereJack.com isn't working. WHY?!?!

BTW: Wow, we just got totally ad-cog'd.

1813: The Celebrity Apprentice commercial.

SRS: "Dennis Rodman? What charity would Dennis Rodman possibly play for?"

Gordo: "Probably Area 51, so that his family who was captured by the government after they crash-landed from Mars doesn't starve to death."

GU: "That's where he lay his spores."

1816: "[Dockett] has burst for a big guy, and he burst right into Ben Roethlisberger that time." Ummm...gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

1817: Why can't we have this kind of excellent special teams play? Oh wait, they're a pro team. Nevermind.

1818: Troy Polamalu is hilarious/a monster. Also, I miss Mean Joe Greene. Also, Coke Zero's "taste infringement" advertisement campaign was always stupid. But this is definitely the best ad they've released.

1820: GO BEARS. J.J. Arrington for 22 yards. This game is getting really interesting now. Good thing we didn't stop watching.

1825: LARRY FITZGERALD WIN. 20-14 Steelers, 7:33 left to go in the game. Again, it's all that hair that gives him his power.

1827: Oh crap, a Hulu ad! Now the rest of the world will know about Hulu! But I do have to admit that "An evil plot to destroy the world" for a TV-streaming site is a pretty catchy tagline.

1834: PepSuber!

1837: Man. Polamalu is not having a great game. Neither is Kurt Warner.

1840: GREAT punt coverage, on top of the fact that the Steelers are having some serious fouling issues right now = Arizona might actually pull this out. JAMES HARRISON FAIL

1843: The whole ball has to break the plane, but is that really a safety?

Nope, not a safety.

1844: Great pass to Holmes.

OH SHIT, HOLDING FOUL. Safety? SAFETY! Man, this is definitely one of the better Super Bowl games I've seen. 20-16 Steelers, 2:53 left in the game.

1848: UUUMG LARRY FITZGERALD UBER WIN 50 yard pass. 23-20 Arizona, 3:57 left. Crunchtime for the Steelers.

Tint: "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD HE'S TOO FAST POLAMALU DOING JACK SHIT"

KNak: "ARUHGAURAOIHGAUUH PATRIOTS ALL OVER AGAIN!"

1850: Prediction: that Fitzgerald touchdown is the game-winning touchdown. Also, in about 6 months, Larry Fitzgerald will get arrested from a nightclub after shooting himself in the face with a concealed weapon.

1852:

KNak: "KURT WARNER HALL OF FAME HALL OF FAME HALL OF FAME"

All: "Shut up!"

1855: Here we go Steelers, two-minute drill. Santonio Holmes is a beast.

1900: Santonio Holmes MVP FOR SURE. That kind of tip-toe TD reception is 

Also, new prediction: in about 6 months, Santonio Holmes will get arrested from a nightclub after shooting himself in the face with a concealed weapon.

1904: Larry Fitzgerald slow motion "Nnnnoooo nnnooooo nnnnnnooooo" was amusing. Let's see if Kurt Warner can pull this off.

1910: Nope.