"All I Wanna Do Is (BANG BANG BANG BANG)/

...and (CLICK kaCHING) and take your money" - Paper Planes, M.I.A.

I'm sitting in lab on Thursday, bored out of my mind because I have to wait for this three-hour water bath incubation to finish. I'm on 1.5 hours and I didn't realize watching the second clock buzz away (yes, buzz, not tick - we roll with Rolex, motherfuckers) could be so much fun. I mean, at least if I'm bored in lecture, there's still somebody constantly dispelling information that I might find useful at some point.

At around 4pm, our good ol' non-oxymoronic German-Jew friend Murphy calls me and says, "Hey, two things: 1) I'm drunk right now (he just finished his finals for summer school) and 2) the premiere for Pineapple Express is happening in a couple hours at the Mann Village. Wanna go check it out?" I figure, why the hell not? I'm not doing anything with these two hours anyways, might as well go see some skanky-ass hos and starstruck morons ripping each other to shreds for maybe a hope of a chance to get their pinkies within five feet of a celebrity and consequently claim the Holy Right. Right?

And here...we...go: [click on any picture to enlarge]


The scene at around 5:00pm. Not too many folks yet.


Judd Apatow. One of the first guests to arrive, surprisingly early (the bigger names usually don't arrive until later, close to the time the movie starts). Also, super genius.


LLOYD!!! of Entourage in the jeans and white/green shirt, Rex Lee.

Murphy: "Looks like he's put on a little weight."
Me: "So has your mom, but that hasn't stopped me from loving her daily and nightly and ever so rightly."
Murphy: "...so basically you're saying you would fuck Lloyd."
Me: "...No. Bad joke on my part."
Murphy: "Yeah, don't forget to close the door on your way out of the closet. We don't want Tom Cruise roaming the streets unchecked."
Me: "Douche."
Murphy: "Queer."


STANLEY! of The Office.

Me: "Mr. Baker! Mr. Baker!"
Leslie David Baker: continues walking right past me.
Me: sad.


The worst picture of Leslie David Baker ever taken. There's 6.7 billion people in the world; somewhere out there, there HAS to be an award for this, right? Isn't it the American way to celebrate every little thing, no matter how mediocre?


Me: "Mr. Voight! Mr. Voight! My cousin went to Beverly Hills with Angelina! They were in the same graduating class! (True story.) That makes us, like, practically cousins, right?"
Murphy: "Shut...the...FUCK...UP. God damn, I'm sobering up."

[Picture of James Franco should be right here, except that since we went to the same high school and had a bunch of the same teachers, I'm basically his long-lost, unattractive, nerdy brother. So no need.]


And of course, the man of the hour, Seth Rogen. The crowd literally EXPLODED. This one dumb bitch standing next to me sounded EXACTLY like what I am writing right now: "OHMAIGAWOHMAIGAAAAAWD ITSETHITSETHITSETH ILUVHIMILUVHIMILUVHIM" and so on and so forth. She went on for a good thirty seconds. Without breathing. I want to punch her in the gut for her own good. A girl needs to breathe once in a while, ya know? Wouldn't want an ambulance to ruin the whole event. And she just needed to shut the fuck up. I'm basically the best teacher some of these people have ever met.

I'm still beyond myself how I managed to get such a great shot of him, considering 1) I had to reach as high as I could for this angle and 2) it was literally a mosh pit of people pushing, clawing, and swearing like sailors, trying to get Seth to sign pictures and posters.

Murphy: "Seth! From a Jew to a Jew!"
Me: "What does that even mean?"
Murphy: "It's a Jew thing. You wouldn't understand."


And so Murphy and I were about to leave. We figured that since all the big stars were here and it was around 7:15pm, that was the end of the red carpet event. But just as we were about to turn and walk away, another car pulls up. "Who the hell?" we asked each other.


Jonah Hill. Last to show, longest car. And this would have been a much better shot were it not for MURPHY'S TARD HAND BLOCKING HIS FACE.
Murphy: "Jonah! Let me shake your hand! Can I please shake your hand? You're my hero!"

Ignored entirely. He was practically in tears (at least, on the inside, I hope).

And so, at the end of the day, we had gotten to see some pretty big stars, and we were happy especially considering these were stars we actually sort of care about because we love their movies so much. But I wasn't crying over not having gotten an autograph or not having gotten a picture with some stars, like some of these girls were. Really, a red carpet premiere is sort of cool, but ultimately pretty pointless. These people don't look any different in person than on the screen because this is such a highly public event that they'll of course come out looking their Sunday best.

One more week left here in Los Angeles.