Post-Racial America: Still Racist, Still Hilarious

There's a joint on Georgetown's main campus called Vital Vittles, roughly on par with the Quik-E-Mart that Apu Nahasapeemapetilan (thanks, Wikipedia) runs in Springfield. I typically enjoy going to "Vittles" thanks to their wide selection of food and their great policy of charging exactly one dollar for most 20oz. sodas.

My lunchtime visit today just elevated my love for Vittles to a whole new level.



After wandering through the cramped aisles, I passed by the sandwich refrigerators and finally decided to take a look. I don't normally buy the sandwiches from Vittles due to their prices, but today was different. Most of the sandwiches had "$1.50 OFF" scrawled on their stickers.

Why the hell...? Of course. Expired sandwiches.

Much like Apu's insistence on wasting absolutely nothing ("These hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental"), Vittles also tries to squeeze every last penny out of their stock. And you know what? I have no problem with that. If I want to take the risk of eating possibly moldy bread and mayonnaise that tastes closer to orangutan sweat than oil and eggs, that's my choice. I'll also be using that extra buck-fifty to buy myself a phosphate- and HFCS-filled soda, further expressing my patriotism by killing myself THE 'MURICAN WAY.

If you know me or have read this blog for long enough, you know that I love stereotypes, most of all the ones regarding my own people. (And yes, I know there are always exceptions and stereotypes are inherently racist blah blah blah get off my ass and lighten up.) The recent uproar with Amy "Tiger Mom" Chua's article on the differences in Chinese vs. Western mothers' styles of child-rearing shocked and angered many American parents, yet most of my Chinese peers read it and shrugged it off. [begin smughipsterdouchebag] I knew about rough Asian upbringings before Russell Peters made it a punchline. [end smughipsterdouchebag]

Along with the stereotype that all Asians are overachievers, excel in math and engineering, and play piano plus at least one string instrument, is the darker, even funnier side: we are dirt-cheap bastards. A wise friend of mine once made the observation, "Jews eat Kosher; Asians eat Costco." And damn it, it's true, because every single one of the five people looking at those expired sandwiches today were Asian. I'm willing to bet you that all of them were thinking, "I'm pretty sure my stomach acid is strong enough to kill off whatever crap is growing on it." Yes, it's sad. It's really sad. But hey, if it makes me chuckle under my breath and gives me writing material, I'll take it. Bless you, racial stereotypes and past-due chicken salad sandwiches.

Now excuse me while I spend the next week in the bathroom.