I was THIS close to being on The Price is Right.

Lessons in Chinese Culture, Lecture 2: the best things in life are free or heavily discounted.

This is why the Chinese absolutely obsesses over coupons and cream themselves every time they we can manage to save fifteen cents on a two-dollar can of soup (or bok choy or whatever the hell it is we buy). Never has “a penny saved is a penny earned” been truer for a fifth of the world’s population, especially in these perilous economic times. There are certain parts of This Glorious Nation of California where coupons are worth more than its weight in gold, where these sacred, poorly-printed slips of newspaper can buy you friends and earn you more enemies. You’d think that SF Chinatown would be the epicenter of this phenomenon, which is true to a certain local extent, but I argue that entire areas east of Los Angeles, such as Alhambra and San Gabriel, where billboards, street signs, and store signs are printed entirely and exclusively in Chinese, value these pennysavers the highest.

Of course, better than discounted foodstuffs and laundry detergent are giveaways, quality be damned. I went to a job fair on campus earlier this year for two main reasons: one, to find work, and two, to collect as many free toys and promotional items as possible. I have a whole little box of completely worthless crap from various companies who will probably never employ me in my lifetime, yet I relish the idea that I got these lead-painted, Made-in-China trinkets for FREE. All it cost me was a few dozen calories walking around the show floor, pretending I was interested in their company, and in some cases, literally grabbing and dashing. This is why I haven’t purchased a ballpoint pen in a while: elementary and middle school were served by the small hill of free pens given by pharmaceutical companies that my father had collected over the years; my high school years were served by a few extra pens that my sister had during her college years; the first couple years of college served by a couple of pens that I borrowed from classmates and entirely forgot to return (and they, in turn, forgot to request); and the last two years of college served by the large number of Cal Band Great pens sitting in the office. I am a whore, I know, what can I say, I was MIT ‘87 (that’s Made in Taiwan for you mainlanders and Mýllý Ýstýhbarat Teskýlati for you assholes wiretapping my phone and reading my e-mails. I’M TURKISH INTELLIGENCE TRAINED BRING IT ON).

Why do I bring up this lesson? One word: Caltopia. Billed as the “largest College Lifestyle Festival in the nation,” for the past seven years, this fair, adoringly referred to by many of us as FreeshitFest, has brought about tons of companies giving away free promos, advertisements, coupons, games, prizes, and free samples to get you hooked into what THEY think should comprise your College Lifestyle. Year after year, I go to Caltopia to eat breakfast/lunch, get stupid free crap, most of it useless, some it entertaining, rarely significant, and have a good time laughing about the interesting advertisement schemes that the companies come up with. “Two days of fun, food, music, & FREE STUFF! August 23 & 24 FREE ADMISSION!” is printed on the front of the Caltopia Event Guide, weighing in at 0.59 lbs. and proudly “printed by UC Printing Services on Recycled Paper with Soy Based Ink.” (I love you, Berkeley.) We didn’t stay for the entertainment – we made our own by spinning stupid wheels with crap prizes and throwing beanbags into holes of questionable size.

Notable features of this year’s Caltopia: the banks were advertising extremely aggressively this year. Wells Fargo had 12 representatives all holed up in one side booth while Bank of America was smack-dab in the middle of the entryway to the basketball courts (the main showroom). Wells Fargo had a spinwheel. Bank of America had Plinko. That’s right, America’s favorite game on America’s favorite daytime game show, The Price is Right, was at the Recreational Sports Facility at the University of California, Berkeley, and I didn’t play it because YOU BANKING ASSHOLES ARE PUSHING CUSTOMERS AWAY BY BEING SUPER AGGRESSIVE AND LITERALLY GRABBING US BY THE ARM BEGGING US TO BECOME CUSTOMERS and I didn’t want to get dragged into that black hole of you dicks spitting all over my face while trying to sell me on some introductory low APRs that I don’t need.

[You’ve never seen Plinko, say you? You’re probably the same Commie bastards who think Drew Carey is an adequate replacement for the legendary Bob Barker. Let’s amend that:

I PASSED THIS UP. IF THAT’S NOT DISCIPLINE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.]

My haul this year:

-Pizza from Extreme Pizza – not coupons, actual slices
-Four cans of various flavors of Izze soda
-Too many samples of OLA LOA, a new sugar-free energy drink, as well as a free packet of OLA LOA powder
-A bag of pita chips and a sample serving container of Sabra hummus
-8 oz. of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
-Popcorn
-Vitamin Water samples
-Honest Tea samples
-A zip-up bottle cozy (now I can conceal my open bottle in public AND keep it cold!)
-A legitimate nice notebook from Bank of America along with Bank of America pen
-Five small notebooks
-A coupon for free 3 oz. of yogurt from Yogurtland (I WILL NEVER USE THIS COUPON, YOU DISGUSTING, WATERY-YOGURT-SERVING MOTHERFUCKERS)
-Five San Francisco Soup Company coupons for $1 off any soup or custom salad
-Two pens from the Cal Student Store with the Apple logo on it, made from entirely recycled products, such as cardboard shaft and wood clip
-A tube of kiwi lip balm (yum) in a LIP BALM COZY WITH A KEYCHAIN ATTACHED TO IT
-A bag of honey-roasted peanuts, courtesy of Southwest Airlines
-Three coupons from Extreme Pizza for a free slice of pizza with purchase of drink
-Two free tickets for free club house admission at Golden Gate Fields (“HIS MUDDER WAS A MUDDER?” – 5 extra credit points for reference)
-A couple “got sperm?” stickers
-Desi Dog coupons for $4.00 combo special: 1/4 lb. dog, fries, and soda/water

And the winner: a goodie bag from the Sperm Bank of California containing four latex condoms (Durex, not sketchy unmarked), a keychain bottle opener, and a sample packet of IDglide personal lubricant

My cheapass Chinese side was gleefully satisfied all in three hours.

In honor of Bob Barker: Remember to spay and neuter your pets, kids. (Er, I mean remember to spay and neuter your kids, pets.)