I Am Inappropriate, Mentally and Physically

I'm back at home, safe and sound. There's a neon green band-aid covered with soccer balls just to the right of my tailbone because, evidently, the very nice medical staff thought I was ten years old. Irrefutable empirical evidence: In Pre-Op notifications, the nurse taking my history exclaimed, "You're just a baby! And you've already screwed up your back?" I grumbled, "...yeah." So: no more comfort foods. No more Chicken and Waffles, no more In-N-Out, far less red meat, no more super sugary things. I need to reduce the everyday forces that my lower back experiences. Also, no more badminton, basketball, or football. I am a 21-year-old with the health problems of a 50-year-old.

My right leg is still numb below the knee and my right foot is still weak, making walking rather difficult. The numbness makes it such that I have to look at my feet when I walk now to make sure I'm actually stepping on the ground at the right time. You sit here asking, "1) Why the hell is this post so serious? And 2) but Gordo, your back and leg pain are gone! Isn't that a good thing?" No, it is not. In fact, numbness is far worse than pain. Pain is how your body tells you something is wrong and is proof that your nervous system is working properly. If your nerves are numbed out, that's a sign that your nerves are failing you. Even though I am no longer in pain, I am now much more afraid for my future and my well-being than I was before Sunday.

Speaking of Sunday: Oh, Sunday. Bloody Sunday. I was feeling just fine in the morning when all of a sudden I tried to stand up straight from sitting in my chair and a shock of stabbing pain emanated from my lower right back and shot down my right leg. I sat back down, but a continuous throbbing pain made that impossible as well. I had no choice but to lie down on my stomach or on my back for the remainder of the day. Finally, at 9:30PM, the pain in my back and down my leg was so severe, even while lying down, that I rounded up my roommates and screamed, "WE'RE GOING TO THE FUCKING EMERGENCY ROOM. NOW." Since I was unable to stand up straight, I had to stay bent over while supporting myself on a random stick that became a very useful cane. This stick helped me traverse the 20 feet from my apartment to my roommate's car as well as the 50 feet from the car to the Alta Bates ER entrance. After a painful half-hour wait in the ER waiting room (which, frankly, was INCREDIBLY fast for a packed house), I was taken into a curtained room. After some history-taking, I was given shots of Toradol and Dilaudid, two powerful painkillers, and a shot of Phenergan, an anti-inflammatory to get my herniated discs away from my nerve roots in my spine. Just to make it extra trippy, they also gave me a tablet of Percocet, an incredibly powerful short-term painkiller similar to OxyContin that knocks you OUT. I went home and passed out, but I woke up on Monday morning to find myself pain-free but leg-numb. Frantic, I called my spine specialist, who insisted that I get the lumbar epidural steroid injection as soon as possible. I got the procedure done at 10:30AM today.

A thought as I sat in the Pre-Op room for about an hour, getting pumped full of IV saline solution, listening to lots of Lil' Jon and Cut Copy (<3333 Cut Copy) to pump myself up, only one thought crossed my mind: "How come all middle-aged nurses are either butt-ugly or insanely cougar-fine?" Because every single nurse who helped me out today was FOXY.

I know, I'm an asshole, but I needed something to distract myself from the thought of a NEEDLE GOING INTO MY SPINE, thank you very much. Turns out the procedure was five minutes long and entirely painless.

I have the best parents in the world.