Simply Taking Up Space So You Don't Think I've Abandoned You

I eagerly await the day that it actually gets colder outdoors than the temperature inside our refrigerator so we can save some electricity. We can just put all our food in buckets and hang them out our window. I fully expect this to happen in, oh, two weeks. Frozen milk homemade ice cream for everybody!

So now that the Giants are the CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD (!!!!!!!!!), what am I going to watch? Cal football? Based on their current track record of 100% wins at home by an average of 38.75 and 100% losses away by an average of 21, I predict them to be blown out by 1-8 Wazzu, then magically stage the greatest comeback in the history of the world by obliterating Oregon, 'Furd, and UDub at home. We sure don't know how to win on the road, but apparently we're quite good in Memorial Stadium.

Maybe Cal Athletics needs to stop putting money into this newfangled Student-Athlete High Performance Center and instead spend it on picking up and moving Memorial Stadium around so we can always play in it. Oh, and also NOT CUTTING SPORTS LIKE BASEBALL.

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To all future aspiring doctors, here are some golden nuggets:

• If you're taking organic chemistry, the answer is always "steric hindrance." If it's a multiple-choice test and that's not one of the answers, complain to the professor that the question is unsolvable.
• Also, arrow-pushing problems are just a matter of getting to the right electron configuration in an appropriate number of moves, so don't bother doing actual practice questions – just get really good solving Rubik's Cubes.
• If you think you're getting sick, rest assured that you definitely don't have whatever disease you just learned about in lecture today. You probably have lupus. (Don't listen to Dr. House.)
• If your professor gives a lecture on pharmaceutical companies ghostwriting medical journal articles for doctors, raise your hand and ask, "Since we're discussing ghostwriting, why haven't we touched on the real issue at hand – that dancing next to your moving, unmanned vehicle is extremely dangerous and highly illegal?"
• Similarly, if euthanasia is the topic of the day, ask tons of questions about thirteen-year-olds in Thailand.
• Finally, never attend a lecture about obesity while hungry.