Asian moms are hardcore/confusing

I was at Elegance Hair Salon, waiting to get my usual cheap-o haircut from my man Jimmy, when I witnessed the pinnacle of a cultural  phenomenon I have grown up observing.
Chinese Culture Lesson #2: Chinese mothers are nothing if not stubborn. This is never truer than when it comes to picking up the tab. Being proud, territorial creatures, Chinese moms will fight each other tooth and nail to pay for the meal. The fights are always entertaining to watch as pitiful excuses fly back and forth while both mothers have iron-clad fists clenched firmly upon the bill:

"You paid last time!"
"No I didn’t, I remember clearly. It’s my turn to pay!"
"You’re the guest!"
"Your son’s about to go off to college!"
"So what?"
"Tuition is expensive! You need to save your money! I'll get this meal."

This pointless blathering can go on for minutes with no resolution. Typically, the dispute ends when one mother forcefully slaps a credit card onto the check and shoves it in the waiter's face. Said mother will have a look of victorious satisfaction while the losing party will vehemently promise to pick up the next one. It's a never-ending cycle.

Did you get all that down? It's all fair game for the midterm. Okay moving on. I was sitting in a chair waiting for Jimmy when Lisa, one of the owners of the salon, finished up with a customer, a Chinese lady in her mid-forties or early fifties. Based on the conversation between them, it was clear that they were old friends. The customer slapped a twenty onto the counter and quickly headed for the door, hoping that if she dashed off early enough, Lisa wouldn't have a chance to reject the money (yet another tricksy Hobbitses tactic that Chinese moms like to employ). Lisa noticed this, grabbed the money, and ran to the customer, screaming "NO NO NO ABSOLUTELY NOT NO WAY." Again, the Chinese mother bickering started for a little while. Then Lisa went all Kimbo Slice on the poor lady: she grabbed the lady by the arm, shoved her against the wall, and forced the money into her pocket. The customer resigned and slowly backed out of the door, frozen look of horror on her face.

I'm sure Lisa would never break any major laws, but if she ever does, she would own every other lady in prison.
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I’m rarely a topical writer. (If you want expert opinions on current events, go read the NYT or watch The Daily Show.) But the World Cup, being the biggest tournament of the World's Game, demands some mention. Granted, I have little to no interest in soccer, but any event that requires me to flex American hegemony and obnoxiously push my country's colors in everyone else's faces is always fun. (Dear President Obama: If you're reading this, I've written a legislative amendment to change our name from The United States of America to The Greatest Freaking Country On The Face Of This Earth Bar None Woo. Hit me up.)

My mother's cousin recently married, so we all went to the Hong Kong East Ocean Restaurant in Emeryville to meet the new in-laws. This brunch coincided with the World Cup final game, but luckily the restaurant had a TV tuned in. I ate and made small talk about whatever whatever while looking back every few minutes to check the progress of the game. Not much to report, other than the awesome Sparta kick. Poor guy.

90 minutes later, my mother turned to me.

"The score is still 0-0?"
"Yup."
"Isn't the time almost out?"
"Yup. That's just how soccer goes sometimes."
"Then why do people get so excited about this sport?"

I chuckled as I realized that was easily the most sensible statement she has made all year.