It's supposed to be spring, and yet we've had four days of gorgeous, warm sunshine followed by a week of hail, sleet, and rain. Come on, Omaha. Pick a season. We can't give out clozapine like candy like the good ol' days anymore.
Along with the twilight of every summer, then, comes thoughts of finally cracking open those books that we've purchased but never had the chance (or, more likely, motivation) to read. The sad tomes sit on shelves, collecting dust while you tell yourself, "I'll start reading it tomorrow, I promise - I just have more important things to do." Next thing you know, you've marathoned every episode of Game of Thrones and eaten three quarters of a Domino's pizza. And, sadly, your books remain unread.
Here, then, is my recommended reading list for those of you looking to keep your brains active.
Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. I personally haven't read it, but apparently it's about a colorblind artist who, despite the odds being stacked against her, manages to paint some of the world's most critically acclaimed works that the critics hail as the most brilliant use of color since Pocahontas did that thing with the wind. Unfortunately, the artist is unable to fully appreciate her own genius due to her condition, and, unable to cope with the stress of her new-found celebrity, eventually commits suicide by drowning herself in a bucket of paint, hand-mixed from various shades of grey lead paint. I think there are also some sex scenes.
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Again, I haven't read it, but based on the title, it sounds like it's fairly light reading, perfect for a sunny day at the park. If what the drunk man at the bus stop last week told me is accurate, it's a short novella in two parts. First, Tolstoy describes in intricate yet mundane detail about various weapons of the 19th century. (Now's your chance to learn how to build an old-school crossbow and play The Medieval Walking Dead in your own backyard!) In the second part, he talks about married life in white picket fence suburban Ohio. People walk their dogs in the morning and cordially yet insincerely greet each other as they rush in and out of their houses in their bathrobes to collect the paper. Nothing dramatic happens, everyone is generally happy, and life is peaceful. The end.
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. In a wildly creative re-imagining of the popular children's tabletop game Hungry Hungry Hippos, Collins creates a flowing, vivid world of lush jungle green in which intelligent, anthropomorphic hippopotami (hippopotamuses?) with immeasurably high rates of metabolism must eat as quickly as possible on a constant basis. This need for consistent sustenance has created warring tribes of hippos. With gold being a meaningless mineral, currency has boiled down to the number of calories per food item. Underground hippopotamus scientists have found ways to skew the caloric values of certain food items, thus creating a disparate bartering system in which the poor get poorer and the rich get morbidly obese. Among such turmoil and mistrust, two particularly aggressive factions have risen up and begun a war for food unlike any before. Brace yourself for the most thrilling, heart-pounding adventure of this summer as Collins describes in vivid, gory detail of the First Great War of Feasts between the Zimmernians and the Acolytes of Bourdain and their never-ending quest for caloric dominance.
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